


Edible Soil

by Dabberdees



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Gen, and it's Aprils fools so this happened, pure crack because I watched masterchef the other day and someone made edible soil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 15:30:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18318110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabberdees/pseuds/Dabberdees
Summary: The Doctor tries to get her friends to eat soil and they always say no, that is until Graham says yes for once.





	Edible Soil

He’s been sitting on this idea for a prank ever since their trip to Norway and without having to actually do the deed he’s been at a loss of how to achieve it, that was until he watched the latest episode of Great British Bake Off, that finally gave him the means because a contestant on it made edible soil.

And that’s where he is now, a quick trip to the 24hr TESCO, and a sprint to the baking aisle, he has everything he needs to pull this off. The look on Ryan and Yaz’ face will be priceless!

He lines them on the conveyor belt as the cashier looks over the gathered items and he sees her glance at the clock on her till display, astonishment is clearly written across her face. He sees her going over his items again and feels a moment of awkwardness. “I’m doing some baking.”

She raises an eyebrow. “At 10 pm on a Tuesday?”

“Yeah?” said Graham, making it sound like a question. She hmms at him, and he can tell she’s thinking about what he could be baking at this time of night. “It’s nothing illegal.” blurted out Graham suddenly before wincing when she gives him a perplexed look.

“Look, mate, what you’re buying hasn’t been the weirdest item combinations before, at least these all make sense.”

Graham frowns at her. “Weird combinations?”

She doesn’t answer his questions and instead tells him his total which he pays with chip and pin, only realising afterwards that he forgot to bring a bag. “I need a bag.”

“That’s 10p, cause I can’t give you one for free.” He digs around in his pocket, trying to find the change. He places the coins on the tills and grabs a bag throwing his items into and mumbling a ‘cheers’ before rushing back home.

The cashier watches him go. “Why do all the weirdos come out at night?” she wondered before lazily turning her head back to the clock, counting down the hours to freedom.

* * *

 

His first attempt sucked, and he lobbed it into the bin, his second attempt wasn’t much better. Ryan was in and out of the kitchen on his third attempt, so he had to make something else instead to hide his plan and on the plus side, it kept Ryan happy. Finally his fifth attempt ( _the less said about the fourth, the better_ ) and he’s finally got the soil texture right and the look right. He knows for sure he would be getting a Hollywood handshake if he was on the show. His mind considers applying for the next series, but he squashes that down, you make one decent batch of soil and suddenly you think you’re a ‘ _Master Baker_ ’ he thinks quickly, before snickering at ‘ _Master Baker_ ’ like a child.

With the goal achieved, he places the batch into a bag and waits for the perfect chance, which is luckily their next trip. He watches the Doc bend down, as he puts his hand in his own pocket, making sure no one sees what he’s doing. It’s not like they pay full attention to him anyway, Yaz is too busy making eyes at the Doctor, Ryan is distracted by the scenery and the Doc is usually doing something odd, like now, eating soil like it was a culinary marvel that Gordon Ramsay himself made.

“So Doctor, where are we?” asked Yaz, staring down at her as she eats the soil.

The Doctor chews for a moment longer, her tongue moving across her teeth. “North America, probably the 18th century.” Her face takes a thoughtful expression. “There’s a wolf pack seven-hundred clicks to the east from here.”

Graham leans away from the tree and saunters over to them, the edible soil clutched within his hand. “You eating soil again, Doc?”

She looks up at him and nods, still chewing away. “You should really try it, you humans don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Nah Doctor, I think I can safely say for everyone here that we’re good,” said Ryan, confidentiality which causes Graham to grin evilly on the inside. Oh, little do you know son, I’m ‘bout to blow your mind.

“It’s good?” asked Graham, making all three look up at him, the two humans with raises eyebrows. The Doc with a beaming smile. “You said it was last time.”

“Pretty good, do you want to try Graham?” inquired the Doctor, holding her muddy hand out to him.

Graham pretends to consider for a second before bending down and running his empty hand through the loose soil. “What part is good Doc? The stuff on top or beneath?”

Ryan shrieked, causing the birds in the trees to squawk. “What? You cannot be serious Gramps!”

“I’m with Ryan here Graham, don’t you get E.Coli from mud? That’s what they told us back in catering, made us wash all our fruit and veg,” added Yaz looking shocked, her eyes nearly as wide as saucers.

Graham looks up at them and smirks. “It’s alright for the Doc, so it’ll be fine for me.”

“No Gramps, she’s an alien.” He gestures at the Doctor. “No offence.” The Doctor shrugs and goes back to eating her soil. “But you’re human; you’ll get sick or something.”

Graham ignores them and turns back to the soil, pretending to watch what the Doctor is picking up. After a moment he picks up the soil in his empty hand and makes the switch with his hand holding the edible soil, the job now done he slyly drops the gathered soil back onto the ground and stands up giving Ryan and Yaz both a look.

“Make him stop Yaz.”

“What do you want me to do, arrest him?” exclaimed Yaz with her arms wide. “If he wants to eat soil, then I say let him,” said Yaz, not really believing that he’ll go through with it.

Graham gives them another look before glancing down at his hand. “Bottoms up then.” He places the edible soil into his mouth and chews. The true trick he figured out is to look puzzled before shrugging and placing a bigger portion in his mouth, which he’s just done. He nods his head and smiles. “You know what? The Doc was right; it ain’t half bad.” gestured Graham to the ‘soil’ in his hand. “You really don’t know what you’re missing.”

The Doctor grins and gives him a thumbs up. “Graham’s right, you two really don’t know what you’re missing.”

Ryan stands there his mouth opening and closing in actual horror. Yaz has a similar expression on her face as Graham bursts out laughing, wiping at his eyes and crying. “Oh my god, your faces. Oh my… Aprils Fools” He bends down, resting his hands on his knees as his laughter fades.

"Technically, it's not April first in this time period." revealed the Doctor.

"Don't ruin this for me Doc." said Graham, as he looks at his fellow humans while grinning like a madman. “Did you really think I was gonna eat soil? Seriously? Who do you think I am? I mean, I know I like food but soil, really?” guffawed Graham as the Doctor looks up as well, a confused frown across her face as she listens in to her friends.

“We saw you pick it up though and eat it.” pointed out Ryan. “If it wasn’t the soil, then what was it?”

Graham shakes his head and pulls out the bag, handing it over to Ryan. “I ate that, remember those cupcakes I made?” Ryan nods. “Well that there is edible soil, I’ve had this lined up for months but never had the chance until the most recent episode of Bake Off.”

Ryan looks grumpy. “You’re a bastard.” sulked Ryan, crossing his arms with the bag held in his hand. He can’t help the very minor smirk playing on his lips as he looks up at his grandad. “I’ll get you back for this; you know that right? There’ll be a moment where you think you’re safe or you’ve completely forgotten and I’ll get you back.”

“Oh, I’ll hold you to that son.” challenged Graham, a smirk on his face now. “It’s on.”


End file.
